The Accidental Compliance Professional

What Makes Someone Delightfully Honest?

I have met people who are honest, but something seems to be missing. Some honest people seem more honest than others, and I don’t mean in the obvious way. The question for me is: Why am I more impressed by or interested in some honest people over other ones? Being delightfully honest is not just about telling the truth: actions, reactions, engagement levels, and conversational skills are all wrapped up in honesty too. Technically, you can tell the truth, but leave some truth out. Not being in the moment can cause you to miss what the other person is saying or thinking. Bias, lack of knowledge, limited common sense, and much more all play a role in an honest conversation. Over the years, I’ve noticed that many honest people share some of the same traits. When I find a person with all of these traits in alignment, it’s a rush for me. There is some joy to finding someone who can do this well. Here are some of the best traits and actions of the delightfully honest people I’ve encountered:

Open and Seek Deeper Truths

I know plenty of people who are honest, but they’re also very guarded. They really don’t share everything they think about a subject. It’s not inappropriate―they are still honest, but something is missing. I really like to get to a deeper truth, and openness is a way to get there. Open people are more interestingly honest. I try to be open first, which sometimes helps other people be open too.

Take Risks and Don’t Freak Out

Delightfully honest people take conversational risks. Then they don’t freak out if what they say is correctly rebutted by someone else. They explore uncharted territory and encourage others to take conversational risks too. These honest people artfully correct others when they are wrong, or just let it go. You can help people take risks just by being easier on them.

Situational Awareness

I once asked my father what he thought about my boss. He said, “He has his feelers out. He is constantly looking for information about how you feel about something and what you think.” When that boss talked, he talked about everything related to what we were being honest about, because he was in the moment. He wasn’t just concerned about his truth. He kept the conversation on the truth relevant to both parties.

I suggest you pick a few conversations in the near future and do your best to stop thinking about what you are going to say next. Try thinking only about what the other person is saying, thinking, and trying to say. If you want to take it a step further, try to help that person explore the truth and get the point across. Do this for an uncomfortably long period of time. It may seem strange, but explore their truth and then share your perspective. It can be awkward, but sometimes you learn more about a soft skill like this if you go all in. Then later you can do this more naturally.

Use Common Sense

Common sense, it seems to me, helps you go to much deeper and more interesting places in an honest conversation. Know that there are many different kinds of common sense―social, political, business, management, family, skilled trades, and more. I encourage you to steer your conversations to people’s strengths, rather than their weaknesses.

Keep the Conversation on Track

Pay attention to where you want the conversation to go. Delightfully honest people consciously try to figure out and remember the overarching topic you both are exploring. Then they keep the conversation on track. If you wander off-topic, they bring you back to where the conversation was going before. They might say: “Tell me more about what you said a minute ago. What did you mean by that?”

Self-Awareness

Pull back when being honest about an unfamiliar subject and acknowledge that you don’t understand it very well. That shows your honesty. I am impressed by people who know their limits on a particular subject or acknowledge when they are rendering an opinion.

You are who you hang around with all day and I am a better person for hanging around compliance professionals.

(Photo courtesy of the SCCE/HCCA archive)

Encourage Others and Enable Truth

Help people discover the truth on their own, rather than just hitting them over the head with it. I get pretty wound up and too direct in some discussions, and it rarely helps. You will be more effective if you take your time and ask questions that help people put two and two together properly. Here’s an example. I had lunch with someone who was delightfully honest. He was talking about a subject that I really didn’t understand or necessarily agree with. Rather than disagree, I tried to encourage him to explore his truth more. I didn’t derail his journey with my version of the truth.

I struggle with trying to correct people when I think they are wrong. I often even start trying to correct them, only to find out that I didn’t listen or understand their point and we were actually in agreement. I spend more time now trying to engage in a conversation to help someone else make their point (even if I disagree with it). The benefits are pretty significant―I feel better about myself, I learn, and I’m less stressed. I also get good ideas I can use later. When you find yourself desperately trying to take back the conversation to explain why someone is wrong, do just the opposite and help that person state his or her perspective more clearly.

Present All the Facts

Sometimes people are honest, but pull three out of 25 relevant facts to make a point. And the 22 other relevant facts don’t support what they are saying. If you don’t acknowledge all the available facts when making a point, you are technically being honest about three facts, but dishonest about the overall picture. This problem plagues our society. Really honest people will state all the pros and cons and then make their point known.

Put Bias Aside

People who want to have honest conversations put their bias aside for a while. Bias can lead to aggression, which can build up resistance to open conversation. People who can put their bias aside can have more truthful and honest conversations.

Keep Defensiveness Out

Have little-to-no defensiveness in a conversation. Smart people who want to deeply explore the truth consciously avoid saying things that put people on the defensive. There is a litany of defensive things not to say. Try asking questions that help others make their point. If you honestly try to help them, it’s hard to offend them. I like to recognize things that trigger my bad behavior. Then I use that trigger to trigger better behavior. For instance, I get frustrated just before I become defensive. Someone says something and it triggers aggression. This leads to defensive statements or even just a defensive look. I try very hard to say to myself, Roy, you feel offended, and, Danger, danger, you are going down the wrong path . . . ask a question, any question, ask anything to stall for time. Simply saying, “Tell me more,” can help. If nothing else, it buys you time. The longer you have to think before you talk, the greater chance you have of not being defensive.

Stay Curious

Honest conversations can be more interesting if you’re talking with someone who’s curious. I enjoy conversations with people who ask a lot of questions. They want to learn. Become more curious.

Seek Truth Uncompetitively

People who like to have honest conversations will not be competitive. Some people say things that come off as competitive and, like plaque building up in a hardening artery, it can block honest conversation. Those who are not out to “win” a conversation, allow others to comfortably explore their truths.

Keep Political Correctness at Bay

Being politically correct used to mean that you didn’t call people disparaging names or engage in a few other serious indiscretions. Now being PC means not sharing opinions that someone else finds disagreeable. Out-of-control political correctness might be one of the biggest roadblocks to honest conversations our culture has ever experienced.

Let Go of What You Need

As I get closer to retirement, I find myself becoming more honest and open about my views. When I needed someone else’s money, I was more careful about sharing my perspective. I also wanted acceptance, so I was more careful with my words. It is much easier to be completely honest if you don’t need stuff from other people. Let go of what you might need or get from someone. It helps your honesty come through.

Cultivate Confidence

Confident people don’t care who’s right in a conversation. They just describe things the way they see them and listen to your perspective. Try to help people feel more confident, and you might get more interesting information from them.

Know that 1+1=3

Two delightfully honest people can advance the truth. One person says something that is true and interesting, and that triggers a related and interesting truth known by the second party. Then for a moment or two, both people have these two truths rolling around in their minds. Occasionally, one of the two people will say: “If both those things are true, then the following must be true.” They never would have come to that unknown truth without that deep, open, and uncompetitive conversation.

Just Be Nice

Some people use honesty as an excuse for their bad behavior. Some people get in other people’s faces a lot. They criticize and complain often. Their excuse for their bad behavior is that they are just being honest, when actually they are just being rude. Nagging, complaining, or being critical or mean is not honesty. It’s bad behavior under the guise of being honest. Being nice is a core value of delightfully honest people.

Learning from the Delightfully Honest

If you want to become delightfully honest, study those who do it well. Then start adopting some of their techniques. Interestingly, you have to study what delightfully honest people don’t do as much as what they do. I will leave you with some things that I have observed from the delightfully honest.

The person in my life who is remarkably good at this is one of my most important mentors: Dan Roach. He is the Cool Hand Luke of honesty. He learned a lot from his father Gene. I pay attention to how Dan shares his truth as much as what truth he is sharing. You should consider doing this―watch others share their truth.

Find people who are wildly respected by their peers―someone who seems to get along with many people and gets invited to every meeting because others want this person’s help. This someone makes people feel comfortable when having tough conversations. After you find someone to learn from, study how that person says things as much as what they say. Don’t just watch when the person is speaking. Watch when that person is silent too. Watch that person watch the room.

Pay more attention to how people share their truths. Make a mental note of tricks they use to be delightfully honest. Start using those tricks too. Watch the things they do that put people off. Avoid doing those things yourself. Work on it for many years. You will make slow, incremental progress. You’ll discover that the more delightfully honest you get, the less stressful and more informative your conversations will be.